Validation & Listening

What does it mean to validate someone's communication with you?

to validate is to give value to the other person's message
what they say is valuable because it is their point of view
it is valuable because it teaches you about them
your agreement with their message is only one way to validate
*you can disagree with the other's point of view and still validate
you give their message attention
you show respect for their communication with you
you acknowledge their message is what they feel and/or think
you listen, without arguing (later, you may state your different point of view)

Research has shown the amount of validation does not predict relationship health.... BUT, the amount of INVALIDATION is a factor in predicting relationship Problems.

Active Listening helps to provide validation of the other person's message.

Active listening involves the following:

get ready to listen by looking at the other person
watch and listen to the person
listen for ideas AND feelings
pay attention to the message
take the other person's viewpoint into consideration (even if you disagree)
do not interrupt
do not finish the other person's sentences

An example of Active Listening creating validation:

Speaker- "I wish you spent time with me more often. I am hurt that our evenings tend to be time apart."
Listener- "You feel hurt when I don't spend more time with you in the evening? I guess I knew that. However, I didn't give it enough thought and attention before." (Do NOT say, "You shouldn't feel hurt. Don't take it personally.")

Reflective Listening is a specific form of Active Listening.

Reflective Listening:

is a skill to promote further validation in communication.
involves reiterating what is heard, to check whether the sender's message is accurately understood.
is like using a mirror, informing both parties about whether the listener heard the message correctly.
helps to clarify what the speaker is saying.
lets the speaker know the listener values (validation) understanding the message.

Here is how Reflective Listening works:

1 - the speaker gives a message
2 - the receiver / listener paraphrases the message back to the speaker
- "What I hear you saying is..."
- "Do you mean...?"
- "Let me see if what I heard is what you are saying..."
- the speaker may also ask for clarification: "What do you hear me saying?"
3 - the receiver / listener asks if this is the intended message (you are checking to find out if what you heard is what the speaker meant)
4 - if the paraphrase isn't what the speaker meant, the speaker repeats the message until it is heard clearly

This may take several back and forths. Words do not always relay a message as clearly as it is in our thoughts. There is a message sent by the speaker, and a message received by the listener. These messages are not always the same. Reflective listening allows the listener to feed back the message heard, to get the speaker to clarify whether the message was heard correctly and in full. This immediate feedback and clarification avoids misunderstandings based on natural assumptions the listeners make about messages heard.

Reflective Listening is an important skill when there is a conflict, a problem to solve, and/or indirect communication. Take care not to overuse this skill, as it can lose effectiveness with overuse. However, be sure to use it any time you assume you know what someone is meaning to say.

Barriers to validation and listening include: lack of trust, lack of time, not valuing the other person's feelings or thoughts, drugs or alcohol, and negative self image.

Create healthy new patterns. Ask your loved one what you can do to let them know you are listening and wanting to understand his/her message to you. Discuss what it is like for him/her when thinking you are not listening. Discuss what he/she does when not feeling listened to or understood. This information can be helpful to both of you for identifying future discussions in which you need to listen more. Create the relationship you desires.

Use love to embrace the other person's desire to communicate with you. Remember, communication is for the purpose of building healthy relationships; it is not for the purpose of controlling another. As the listener, it is SO important to use this time to LEARN the message of the speaker. If necessary, pretend you are a stranger, trying to understand what this person is expressing. This is NOT the time to judge or correct the message, or to interject your own thoughts and/or position. NOW is the time to assert your peace into the relationship.

Wisdoms Peaceful Harmony, Peace Psychology

Video, Telephone, & In-Person Counseling- Call now to discuss your goals!

Wisdoms Peaceful Harmony, Peace Psychology

Video, Telephone, & In-Person Counseling- Call now to discuss your goals!

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